Day Fifteen, After: Hello, God
“Hello, God
Are You out there?
Can You hear me?
Are You listenin’ anymore?”
Day Fifteen has been a day of surprises. One surprise is many of you still want me to continue to write about May 24, 2022, and the aftermath. And the second, not so surprising, the grief I am feeling is getting heavier.
I had to go to a doctor’s appointment in Kerrville (2 hours northeast of Uvalde) this morning. Then I was attending an Economic Development luncheon. I’m all about learning new ways to help our communities, but as I got closer to Kerrville, well, I just could not bring myself to go. I scheduled the event on my own, had even paid my ten bucks for the meal – but I couldn’t go. I blew it off. And for an A type personality, that’s a big thing. But I had mentioned that as we grieve, we need to give ourselves grace. So I did.
I gave myself permission to skip the luncheon. I had noticed as I drove up into the Hill Country and away from our drought-stricken community that grief had come to pay me a call. And I listened to it. So, instead, I stopped at Billy Gene’s Restaurant on the Guadalupe River and ate a lovely meal on their porch overlooking the river. The deep green along the riverbank, abundance of singing birds in the trees, and the slow-moving river were healing. I ate, watched, ate some more. A deliberate awareness of my surroundings and the ache in my heart were central in my mind.
Last night I had listened to Dr. Roy Guerrero’s speech to Congress. A pediatrician who helped at the ER on May 24th, Dr. Guerrero is also a Robb Elementary alumnus. And his description of the carnage he encountered in the ER was playing over and over in my head. Sadly, I think it is playing over and over in all our heads. The doctor saw two kids “…whose flesh had been so ripped apart, that the only clue as to their identities was the blood-spattered cartoon clothes still clinging to them.”
Long pause here ….
You know, just when I think I have Evil figured out, when I’ve drawn a square around it to define,
“This is how evil Evil is” and that it cannot venture outside the lines – then I am shocked to learn it is even worse than that. I mean, Evil did not kill our innocents, it pulverized them until they were unrecognizable. Who does that? What does that? It wasn’t an execution shot and then the children were gone. It was repeated atrocities. Carnage, massacre – those are the right word.
We should be righteously indignant that these boys and girls were slaughtered for NO REASON. How can we allow such to happen to our most vulnerable population in what should be their safest place — their schools? How can our law enforcement officers stand by and do nothing? How could they stand by and not let the parents save their children? If ever was a time to break with procedures, that was it. Why didn’t someone, anyone, stop the EVIL before 77 minutes passed?
The questions play over in my head. I can only imagine how the families feel. The pain, anger, frustration … horror. The verse came to my mind “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul (Matthew 10:28). It comforted me to know that as for the children, though their bodies were destroyed, their spirit, their soul was safe with the Lord. In an instant. It is us left behind who now contend with the Evil.
So I sat by the serene Guadalupe River, feeling the grief get heavier, and understood why those farther away from the scene are grieving harder than us. We Uvaldeans are too close to the situation in Uvalde to fully comprehend the picture. We cannot see the forest for the trees. Trying to survive, put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time is our reaction. But the rest of the country, they are seeing the horror in its complete gory portrait. But as I put distance between me and Robb Elementary, the complete picture is emerging.
I paid for my meal, tried to shop, but just couldn’t do it. A tiredness was settling on me. I decided to go home, but I drove home the “long way” through Hunt and Utopia, following the winding Guadalupe and savoring its green coolness. I was listening to my favorite playlist, the one with the inspirational Christian music. “Hello God” started playing. A Dolly Parton song, I played it often during the Pandemic. Today it was so applicable to what I, what we are feeling. I think we all want to say, “Hello God. Are you out there? Can you hear us? Are You listening anymore?”
But it was the ending of the song that spoke to me:
“Hello, God
We really need You
We can’t make it without You
(Hello, God)
We beseech You
In the name of all that’s true
Hello, God
Please forgive us
For we know not what we do
Hello, God
Give us one more chance
To prove ourselves to You
Hello, God (Hello, God) Hello, God”
As I sang along, I drove by a hidden church – it’s white cross on the front shining like a beacon through the brush. It was an immediate comfort, a sign of hope as I echoed the lyrics, “Give us one more chance to prove ourselves to You.”
One more chance. One more chance to forgive us. One more chance to save our children from the Evil that does not stay within the lines. “We beseech You in the name of all that’s true.” Please remember us, Lord. Remember our community, remember our Los Angelitos and their families, remember us! And with Your help, together, we will be #UvaldeStrong
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