Day Nine, After: A Grief Observed
“Grief Observed: Sorrow · misery · sadness · anguish · pain · distress · agony · torment · affliction · suffering · heartache · heartbreak · broken-heartedness · heaviness of heart · woe · desolation · despondency · dejection · despair · angst · mortification · mourning · mournfulness · bereavement · lamentation · lament · remorse · regret · pining.”
So the prayers are prayed. The flowers are wilting. The hollow ground is filled and covered. And we are the ones left empty. What happens after? Where do we go from here?
Oh, the school district will make their short- and long-range plans … there will be designs for a new school and safer old schools. Our law enforcement will get more training … and counseling. Half the town will need counseling at this rate. But that is later. That is “out there.”
But what about “in here,” in the quiet of your home? What happens next?
I remember waking up the morning after I buried my mother. I was 34. She had passed after a long battle with cancer at the young age of 54. I immersed myself in grief. Read every book I could grab on grief. Attended conferences on grief. Played songs about grief. Wrote poems, filled journals, went on retreats on grief. And this is what I learned.
First, you will … whoops, you thought I was going to tell you how to grieve, didn’t you? Well, surprise! I cannot tell you how to grieve because everyone grieves different.
Repeat after me: EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENT.
Some will be loud. You will hear their weeping from afar, see them collapse and wail. Let them.
Some will be quiet. They will retreat to their room, hide behind the bathroom door, close themselves up in a closet to softly cry. Let them.
Some will be busy bees who won’t stop doing and going because they fear they will fall apart if they slow down. Let them.
Some will pretend it didn’t happen. Or they will be stoic for months and then grieve. Let them.
Some will be angry, angry at God, angry at families that have their loved one, angry to be angry. Let them.
Some will cover every square inch of their house with the pictures, mementos, stuffed animals, toys, paper drawings. They will leave the loved one’s room as a shrine. Let them.
Some will take down every reminder of the lost one. Clean their house from top to bottom and throw away mementos. Let them.
Some will go out every day at the exact same time and sit on a bench by the grave and weep. Let them.
Some will not venture near that graveyard again. Let them.
What I found is everyone grieves differently. And, ironically, they will change their grief responses from one of the above to the total opposite. My dad tossed my mom’s pictures after she died – it hurt too much to see them – I retrieved the photos and kept them safe until the day he wanted them back.
Which brings an important point: Be the voice of common sense and reason – don’t let the person grieving endanger themselves or others. And that includes self-destructive behavior (drinking too much, taking illegal drugs, driving while intoxicated) – stop that quickly before they get a bigger problem.
You can watch out for them (Did you eat today? Sleep?), pray for them, listen to them, let them cry on your shoulder or even yell at you. It’s okay. You can handle it. They are grieving. And grief will ebb and flow. Good days, bad days. You will help them get through it, however long it takes. Grief has no timetable.
To the mourners: Remember, there is no right way to grieve. There are those who will tell you how to grieve though. But it is your grief. You own it. Trying to grieve to satisfy someone else’s idea of how you should grieve is exhausting.
And your energy will be low. You will tire easily. Be sure to get plenty of nutritional food, exercise, and sleep. Grieving is hard work. Note to Friends: Remember those who are in deep grief and take them out for a quiet meal, a short walk in the fresh air or watch the sunset together on the back porch. Even more importantly, take them to church with you.
It is okay to doubt God. It is okay to be mad at God. He can handle it! CS Lewis’ wrote in “A Grief Observed” about losing his wife and, later, regaining his faith in God that, “God doesn’t want something from us. He simply wants us.” God will be there with you even if you cannot see Him, feel Him, acknowledge Him. You may leave Him as you struggle with grief, but He will never leave you!
Finally, take heart! We will get through this period of grief despite the distractions … the world, the press, the politicians, the exploiters, the naysayers, and the strangers in our midst. However long it takes, we will make it because together WE ARE #UvaldeStrong and we have #uvaldelove for each other!
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